- impact is not a necessity, Jesus is -

I scribbled this in my journal about a week ago. I've been all over the place lately, quite literally. But also, my heart's been a bit restless. Usually summer is a huge time of growth for me and this summer wasn't lining up exactly with that expectation (I was growing, just not seeing it). Up until this past week everything has felt like a whole lot of "God, I really need You. I'm just barely getting through and not a whole lot makes sense right now and I just really need You". I've been humbled. I've been shown my complete and utter dependence upon God and His promises. I really need Him. I've had to wrestle with that though. I wanted to do what He wanted me to --- but on my own. Like a toddler who does what her father tells her to do but thinks she can do it alone, I (try to) do what my Father tells me to do but I think I can do it all by myself. But I can't. I now know I can't. I need God's power and the His Spirit in me to obey Him fully.


Beth Redman recently tweeted "The impact God wants you to have does not come when we pursue impact, but when we pursue God". That hit me in a moment when I was having serious "impact withdrawals". There are seasons when we are the center of attention and everyone loves us and we feel like we're touching peoples' lives and those where we find ourselves pushed to the side and begin to feel a bit neglected and not very useful. I was in the latter kind of season and not too happy about it. So I'd been striving to have everyone like me. I'd been trying to make people listen to what I had to say.  I'd been pursuing impact. That's when that statement in my journal came to be. 


In the Gospels (Matthew 3:17) when Jesus is baptized God speaks over Him, "This my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased". And you know what is the coolest thing ever? In Christ, my Father says "This is my beloved child, with whom I am well pleased". He is well pleased with me! The Creator of the entire universe who holds everything together in every moment is well pleased with broken, selfish, messed up me! This gives me so much freedom. My Father satisfies my desire for approval. I don't need to please people. God doesn't call me to control everything or be the center of attention or get everyone to like me but to love everyone, show everyone His love, and to know and seek Him. I need Him. And I need to show His love. I'm always in wonder at His love. He's so good to me. And here's something I've learned: When we pursue God over impact, He gives us impact in His time and for His glory. Which is the best ever. Watching Him work is so so exciting. His plans and His Spirit are too cool. 

normal life + comfort from pain

Today has been a contentment-filled day. My days now are looking much more calm and slow, just the way I like it. Back to normal life. And I am so thankful. I am thankful for my coffee in the morning and those precious moments as I prepare my heart for the day. I am thankful for prayer, that God hears me, and that He answers. I am thankful for friends and thankful that I get to share life with them. I am thankful for pain. I am thankful for the seasons that overflow with tears and feel like they won't end, that they can't end. Because they do. And those seasons create testimonies. Examples of how Father is so very faithful.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

He's the source of all comfort. He gives me comfort in times of pain and hopelessness so that I can give that comfort to others. So I can encourage them. So I can say, "I've been there". So if you're there right now, look up. Look to the testimony. The story that will be yours to share once it's over. The comfort to share. There is even greater comfort in the sharing. 

- let us press on to know the Lord -

I'll be honest, in the past week or so I haven't been feeling the Lord. I haven't felt as absolutely, deeply in love with Jesus as I have in the past couple months. Normally every morning He reveals so much truth to me to as I feel His presence but it just hasn't been there. But you know what He has revealed to me? My feelings do not change Him. They just don't. He is constant no matter how my emotions are. Instead of being led by my emotions, to be led by His Spirit is so much more fulfilling for me and glorifying to Him.

Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord;

    His going out is sure as the dawn;

He will come to us as the showers,

    as the spring rains that water the earth.

Hosea 6:3 (ESV)

We’re ready to study God,

    eager for God-knowledge. As sure as dawn breaks, so sure is His daily arrival. He comes as rain comes, as spring rain refreshing the ground.

Hosea 6:3 (MSG)

This verse is packed with so much truth. Let us press on to know the Lord. That "pressing on" happens at times we think are inconvenient. When He calls you to put down whatever you're doing and just draw near to Him. In the the morning in the silence of the dawn, earlier than you'd ever want to be awake, seeking His presence until His arrival. His daily arrival. But we must obey Him. That little tug at your soul--- "Come sit with Me a while and seek me. Let me reveal Myself to You. Press on to know Me.". That tug is His Spirit and those seemingly inconvenient times are opportunities to obey and to be led by the Spirit. He wants to reveal Himself to you. Press on. 


P.S. --- If you haven't read Hosea, do. I read it for the first time about a month ago waiting at the doctor's office (random...) and it blessed me so much. So much symbolism in the relationship between Hosea and Gomer. Oh, I do love me some symbolism. 

- the good portion -

Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42

I am such a Martha. I'm the one cleaning up. The one trying to impress everyone with how perfect my life looks from the outside. I want people to like me. And for some reason in my mind that translates to perfection. Outfits. Decorating my room. My car being perfectly clean all the time. My handwriting being "cute". Instagram likes. Retweets. I am anxious and troubled about many things. 

This morning the Lord pointed me to this little story about Mary and Martha. When God put this in the Bible, He knew it would be convicting for so many women. I think it resonates so much with us because so many of us are chronic Marthas. We feel like we have to do everything and do it perfectly. But all that is required of us is to come near to Jesus. He tells OCD Martha that only one thing is necessary.

nec·es·sar·y

absolutely needed; required to be done, achieved, or present; essential.

Sitting at the feet of Jesus and listening to His teaching is absolutely needed. It is required to be done. It is essential. Everything else falls away but Jesus and He holds us to a standard of grace, not perfection. He loves us on our worst days. He accepts us, not because of anything we do to impress Him, but because that's just how He is. He is love.

-branching out-

I've always been an introvert. And that probably isn't going to change anytime soon. God crafted my personality perfectly to fit His purposes and goals for my life. But, lately He's been revealing to me His heart when it comes to relationships and community. 

First of all, prayer is so powerful. Every time I've prayed over a time I would be with people who I know God is calling me toward, He has been so faithful to answer my prayer. My eyes have been opened in the past months to see what friendship truly is. Friendship is to encourage, to love, to build each other up. Friendship is real conversations. In light of that truth, I've realized all the people who I claim to "know", I don't know. And I've never even noticed that until recently. Now I pray for real conversations and He answers those prayers in ways that I would never have imagined.  

Also, my own insecurity blocks off those relationships God wants to develop in my life. I always assume people don't like me. But that isn't true. It's a lie from Satan sent to hold me back from reaching out to love people who need to be loved. He has commanded and called me to love them, even if it is intimidating. Fear of rejection keeps me from having relationships that are built on Christ. That is the most encouraging and beautiful kind of friendship. The power that raised Christ from the dead is alive in me and it is strong. Own my own I can't build relationships. I don't build them, I'm not able. But the Holy Spirit is alive and moving and God can and will build those relationships. In his time and in his way. And this is where I'm just thankful for His sovereignty. He will do what He wants and what is for my good and His glory. I can trust Him. He is in control. 

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 

Philippians 2:1&2

This girl is going to Africa.

Yep! It's true! I am. Oh my gosh. I. Am. Going. To. Africa. I've never been out of the country, not to mention to a third world country like Liberia. God has blessed be beyond anything I could ever imagine. 

I picked up the application the same day the trip was announced and returned it within the next week. Everyone else spent time typing theirs out so it looked formal and professional. I started to question the likeliness of mine even being accepted. It was hand-written and sloppy. You could tell I had written and erased words over and over again. "I probably won't get accepted". "Everyone else is a 'super- service' person at school. I do Teen Advisors and leadership things at church but I don't got to Open Door or Girls Inc. every week like they do...". But I knew that God's will would be done. Things would work out my good and His glory, as they always do. So I prayed that His will would be down, whether that meant me having this opportunity or not. 

In the past couple weeks I had gotten really impatient. I wanted to know if I was going! Even if the answer was no, I just wanted to know! But for the first time, Philippians 4:6, which I had heard my entire life, came to be a command for prayer and a promise of peace that I so needed. 

The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Yesterday when I received the letter saying I had been accepted, I didn't know how to respond. I thought I would cry, but I didn't. I was dancing around, jumping up and down, and thanking God. It didn't seem real. My prayer now is "Let this be for You. Help me demonstrate the love that has been poured out to me through Jesus to every person you place in my path. Open my eyes to see every soul as Christ sees them: a dearly loved child."

I have know idea what God has planned for me, but I am more than thrilled about it all. 

Would you be satisfied if He was all you had?

Jesus is coming back. We know that as a fact. But when? Now that's something He left us to wonder. Personally, I think it's going to be soon. Like in the next ten years soon.

And sometimes I'll ask "Could You wait just a little longer until after I get married and have my sweet babies?". But He shows me how selfish that is. He knows how much I want to have a precious love story and a beautiful wedding. He knows how much I want to decorate my first home and fill it with sweet children. And I know Jesus's coming means that won't happen.

But Jesus's coming also means that I will be with Him forever. So my resistance to His coming shows a problem in my heart. And raises a question I have to answer: Would I be satisfied if he was all I had? 

He is so much greater than anything I could have here. So I have to leave it all to His timing and trust Him. And when I meditate upon and read what the Word has to say about Heaven and eternity with Him I find myself beginning to think "Come, Lord Jesus. Come when it is Your Father's will for you to. It was never my decision anyway.'.

 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is,seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ³ For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

~Colossians 3:2~

⁸ Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. ¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.¹² For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

~ 1 Corinthians 13: 8-12~